It is easy when someone is upset to get caught up in the storm and at some point say things that you later regret. How do you stay centered? Where do you locate yourself?
Sometimes I can be judgmental in my expressions, which evokes a similar response in the other person. When my relationship wit
h my wife, Francesca, did not go very well, rather than dwelling on the way she was, I took the step to relate to the essence of her being. I focused on the dignity of the human spirit, the dignity of her spirit, which is the ultimate reality in any human being. I kept this focus without needing or asking for any of her agreement.
Rather than dwelling on the way she was, and by making real the essence of her being—the dignity of the human spirit—there was no doubt.
There was a knowing of who she really was. Francesca told me later that this was the single most important turning point in our relationship. She had the experience that I let her be, and she experienced not being judged. In fact, the change in me was that I stopped identifying her actions, even what she said, as who she really was. This gave me a freedom to be with her and gave her the experience of me allowing her to be. We were both free to be, and the possibility of our relationship was kept alive.
Relating to the essence of a person, rather than dwelling on the way they are, is the biggest gift you can give yourself and someone in a relationship. It gives the person the experience of being allowed to be. It leaves them free to be. It is a silent gift, a gift that bears no witness. The person may not even know that this is what is happening in that particular moment.
It is a gift that parents give to their children, spouses and friends give to each other, and siblings give to each other when they finally let go of their rivalries.
It is a gift that people of communities and nations could make available to each other and their neighbors.
It is a gift that would make people present to their common humanity, rather than dwelling on their religion, race, nationality, or how much money they have. It is a gift that changes everything.
It is a gift of true leadership, where we inspire ourselves and others to greatness.
Robert Kennedy once said, “There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why … I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?”
Relating to the essence of a person, no matter how they come across to you, is a gift that honors the dignity of the human spirit and is the highest expression of love.
ABOUT LOUIS KOSTER
Hi, Louis here, author of the inspiring book “A New Language for Life, Happy No Matter What!” Click here to get a free download of the book. Thanks for checking out my blog posts. If you really want to test your spiritual beliefs, try being a medical doctor in war zones. I’ve been involved as a spiritual teacher, medical doctor and coach in the self-help industry for over 25 years and have developed a number of skills in helping people to awaken to their true nature and live inspired lives. Here Is Who I Am & What I Believe.
Please feel to free to leave a comment below.
Appreciate this wonderful insight that you wrote. Very benificial to those that become aware of this. I struggled with the others anger and blaming and i found myself to react, because i took it personally also reacted because the other i expect to take responsibility for their own feelings and responses
Dear Myaraine! Thank you for your lovely comment to my blog post! Relating to the essence of a person is truly a way out of the wheel of suffering in a relationship. It makes you aware what really matters. It is an act of love. It breaks the cycle of reacting and is an expression of leadership. It is possible. It is the start of a new journey in the relationship, where you truly honor the dignity of the spirit of the other person and take responsible for the dance of the relationship that we inevitable all get caught up in. It takes courage. It brings you in touch with what is true. It is a gift – both to yourself as to the other person. Chapeaux for taking this on. I salute your spirit. With love, Louis.
I feel inspired by the words that you write. This post in particular speaks to me about rhe way forward in one of my own relationships. Putting it into practise…I am finding that more difficult but even trying to change my reaction is a step forward. Thankyou!
My mom was always nice to people and I wondered why she didn’t see tat they were trying to destroy her. She always said let go and let God but it pissed me off because she would give her all without thinking of herself and then come to you asking for money when she made quadruple whenever I was making. Now I just realized that she was loving people for the God in them and not for their sins
Wow! Toni! Your response and sharing about your Mom really move me. It brings tears to my eyes. It is so beautiful what you are writing. How moving that you recognize your mother in the truth of her being. Thank you for sharing this with me. A very special gift. God bless, Toni. I love you, Louis.
This really spoke to me but I find it hard to use this concept. What do you do if the way someone acts and the things they say are both abusive and destructive ? I find it difficult to see his essence when he is in full flight of abuse. I hate the way I react. Trying to constantly defend myself and when that does not good I say things I regret just because I am do hurt, so wounded. How can I stop this cycle of insanity ?
Dear Samantha, I totally hear what you are saying. I appreciate that you ask me this question. The awareness expressed in this newsletter came to me when my own relationship with my wife was in turmoil. I realized that the ultimate place to return to is my own sanity and recognize what is true for me. It all starts with me. If I can find this place in myself unrelated to the cycle of action and reaction – this cycle of insanity as you call it – and recognize what is true and be a stand for that, I have a place to stand to guide me in the relationship and create a new set of experiences.
When I took the step to relate to the essence of her being – the dignity of her spirit – rather than dwelling on the way she was, it no longer mattered how she responded to me. Her reactions no longer immobilized me or took me off guard. And when they did, I had a found in a place in myself to navigate me through the relationship.
Taking a stand for who a person really is, despite what they are telling you about themselves or what they want you to believe, is the most courageous act of love that a human being can muster. When you bring yourself to a place where you know who the other person is – no matter what garbage they throw at you – and you do not waver, then this is real for you beyond any agreement. This is where true transformation occurs. This is where love lives in a cation. This is where you take a stand for what is possible.
Taking a stand for who a person really is, changes the fundamental dynamic of the relationship and interrupts the cycle of insanity. Someone has to start the process. Who will it be? Are you waiting for the other person to take the initiative? Do you dare to step out and take action?
I am not saying this is easy or obvious. What is true is that we have forgotten who we truly are and we need to remind ourselves of what is fundamentally true for us.
I wish you well.
I love you,
Louis.
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Dear Louis,
I found your perspective to be extremely insightful. However I am finding it difficult to view my partners thoughtless and selfish decisions as having nothing to do with the way he feels about me and our relationship. Whether we like it or not the way we act and the decisions we make has some effect on our partner and hence the relationship. Isn’t your approach allowing that person to take advantage of your good nature to some extent, because you still feel hurt and the reasons for that have not been addressed. However they have been let off the hook somehow because I choose t view them as essentially loving. Not sure how to reconcile this.
Dear Shelly,
I totally get the concern you express that “my approach allows a person to take advantage of your good nature to some extent, because you still feel hurt and the reasons for that have not been addressed. You feel that they have been let off the hook somehow because you chose to view them as essentially loving.”
Shelly, ultimately what matters is that you are in a place where you have clear vision, and see things as they are. This can only be achieved by interrupting the cycle of action and reaction. When you relate to the essence of your partner, and you stop reacting to how he occurs to you, then at some point you will see the truth of what is and something might shine through for you that is worthwile expressing …. but this time it is not from a place of reaction, but from a place of truth i.e. a place where true communication can occur.
Allowing in this case means that you acknowledge the existence of what is occurring – you stop fighting it – and when you experience things exactly as they are, you will start communicating from a different place. You start communicating from a place that is your true nature – and no longer from a place of reaction.
Allowing does not mean giving in, condoning, or tolerating it – although experientially it may occur that way.
Allowing also here means the highest expression of your love for this person, since you acknowledge him for who he is – although you might not necessarily agree with everything he does or says.
You might discover a place of magic – when you allow and let be – including when you allow for your own noise when you do that. You start communicating in another realm of existence, when you stop resisting what is occurring for you and allow yourself to experience fully what is occurring. Do this and see where this leads you to.
You might be totally surprised when the magic of true communication shows itself to you!
I love you,
Louis.
Love your work, find its simplicity and clarity very helpful. I tend to read very quickly and have to reread to ensure I have the essence of what is being said.
Thank you for your support and am starting out on this journey committed to being, happy, fulfilled and satisfied no matter what.
Great to hear from you, Anne! I am glad to hear that the simplicity and clarity of my work is very helpful for you.
Lovely to hear that you have taken on the journey to being, happy, fulfilled and satisfied, no matter what!
Join the Facebook group, and ask me any questions. I will respond to you within 24 hours!
With love,
Louis.
Yes relating to the essence of a person it is a wonderful gift of dignity and also it is a way to remain centered. It is also a way to built a bridge of communion and to rise the relation on an higher level awareness.
Wow! What a gift you are for the people in your life. So inspiring, Alice! Thank you for sharing this with me. Love and light, Louis.
Thank you so much for this, this is exactly where I’m at. It is in the non doing that everything came into being. I’ve freed myself and everyone else. It took cancer to awaken me, I’m in a very good place, which has obviously led me to you so again, my appreciation. Much love, Caroline
Dear Caroline, how delightful to hear from you! I acknowledge you for stepping out into the journey of awakening to your true nature and recognizing others as their true nature. You took cancer as a journey of awakening to what really matters in life.
You took cancer as a way of discovering what is real and what is not real; what is true and what is not true; what is worth saying and what is not.
I am present to your courage, your integrity and your beautiful spirit. Thank you for sharing yourself with me.
Join our Facebook group, where you can ask me questions and I respond to you within 24 hours!
I love you,
Louis.
Thank you Louis for your reminders & most helpful info. You, beloved brother are the gift that changes everything. Your heart & soul , your inspiring wisdom & your generosity of spirit. The fact that you are an Aussie neighbour I AM in awe. Sending love from downunder, Tassie to you Louis, your family, friends & fellow readers.Love Lesley ????????
It is a wonderful gift have you and your blog in my life. Thank you so much.
Dear sir, I am really very much inspired with your thoughts that are somewhere not practical for me but I am trying hard to be consistent with…. I take peoples with heart but when they make me feel like I m not that much valuable for them as they were re for me it hurts…but what I got is today I am a very much satisfied person and God has filled my life with lots of happiness and limited people but with true soul… So be true at heart and don’t expect anything from anyone coz God is always watching u for your best.
Dear Sarita,
Lovely to hear from you! It is a matter of seeing beyond the hurt and relating to the essence of a person. Only this is what allows you to not take personally what they are saying to you. It is just their opinion, and ultimately has nothing with you.
With love,
Louis
dear Louis, Thank you for the insights. I don’t always have or make time to read and absorb everything, but I do get there eventually. Enlightening and inspiring work.
Lovely to hear from you, Carolyn. Thank you for reading my posts. Thank you for letting me know that my writings inspire you!
With love,
Lous.