Have you noticed that when you give your opinion to someone, even your best opinion, the opening for exploration in the conversation closes?
I sometimes catch myself giving advice to people close to me about how to manage their lives when they are stuck or immobilized by an issue. I listen to the way the person is dealing with the issue and notice that I am drawn to give advice, in particular when I sense that the person’s approach to the issue is not freeing him or her up. Of course, my intention is to contribute to the person, but I have come to realize that giving advice or telling someone what is so does not make any difference!
When I do give my opinion to someone, even my best opinion, the opening for exploration in the conversation closes.
Suddenly, there is an “I” who has an opinion, and the possibility of the conversation has evaporated. The person stops sharing him – or herself.
The question to ask yourself is, can I let it be? Can I stay silent and withstand the siren song of the “I” that tempts me to interfere, to give an opinion, or be self-righteous about what I believe is true or makes a difference?
When you do not allow yourself to get hooked by the “I” in sharing what you know—even if you believe it would be most contributing—then something remarkable and unexpected becomes available. You will notice that in the silence of the conversation, something starts to manifest as a presence that allows the person to sort him- or herself out in relationship to the issue.
It is literally who you are that makes a difference. It is not what you say that has any real impact on another person’s quality of life. It is in the silence of the conversation that what matters manifests as a presence.
ABOUT LOUIS KOSTER
Hi, Louis here, author of the inspiring book “A New Language for Life, Happy No Matter What!” Click here to get a free download of the book. Thanks for checking out my blog posts. If you really want to test your spiritual beliefs, try being a medical doctor in war zones. I’ve been involved as a spiritual teacher, medical doctor and coach in the self-help industry for over 25 years and have developed a number of skills in helping people to awaken to their true nature and live inspired lives. Here Is Who I am & What I Believe.
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Thank you for your emails. Everyone I recieve comes at the perfect time and I really enjoy reading them.
Love and blessings Trish
Lovely to hear from you, Trish! Thank you for letting me know that my emails resonate with you and you enjoy reading them. How to gain access to A New Language For Life is by living two simple affirmations, The Choice and The Insight. Love and blessings from Louis.
So true. I recently thought I was helping a friend by explaining how I dealt with redundancy and she became very angry and said if she wanted my advice she would have asked for it, even though we had been talking openly about other things for hours. She is still caught up in so much bitterness about it that she cannot see clearly at the moment.
(By the way – the font colour is very pale here – I can hardly see the text)
Thank you, Iona, for your wonderful comment. Sometimes even with the best of intentions, what you say might fall flat, or the person might even become angry!
Communication that makes a difference, comes from a different place than your opinion, or point of view. If you are fully honest, you will see that there was an element of self-righteousness about what you shared how you dealt with redundancy with your friend.
Communication that makes a difference might be just listening to what the person is saying and fully experiencing what the person is saying. Communication that makes a difference could be sharing from a place of discovery what your experience was in a similar situation – without having an agenda.
Thank you for your very insightful comment, Iona! With love, Louis.
Thank you for sharing this lesson. Become neutral and allow everybody to express their thoughts with no Ego is one of my purpose. I am learning how to be more gentle wit myself and others. Namaste Ysabel
Thank you for your beautiful message.
You are a very kind and gentle being.
Thank you for sharing yourself in such an inspiring way.
I love you,
Well, I think one can examine personal opinions in two ways: judgmental or neutral/objective. I noticed that people don’t share their feelings or experienced with others if they feel judged or feel like the giver of the opinion is not empathetic or compassionate with their feedback. I learned from growing up in a big family and pretty much from a diverse society to avoid giving advice. Instead I use motivational interviewing to help them see how something helps or is detrimental to them, which enables them come up with a reasonable innate way to resolve any issue at hand.
Dear Toni! That sounds very wise. You obviously have a very gentle and allowing nature. What you write expresses a wisdom and understanding that communication makes a difference when it leads a person to come to their own conclusions. Thank you for sharing this! With love, Louis.
Profound truth my dearest Louis . I find my self doing this all the time but lately whenever I caught sight or become aware. I let be and the amazing thing happen. It’s solve and the I have nothing to do wit is. Thanks for your email. While reading it, I came to the awareness that I had a big smile on my face..peace and love…
Wow! That is so powerful, Audrey! It is truly the power of allowing that you are pointing to. When you let be, it gives a person the opportunity to be with the totality of their own experience, which is where the amazing thing happens and the problem resolves itself. Thank you for sharing this with me! With love, Louis.
Just want to say thank you . I enjoy your emails as part of my morning devotions. I’m reading your book slowly (on purpose ) there is a lot to absorb, so simple yet profound. It is helping me in many ways . Thanks for sharing your insights . Have a great day !
How delightful to hear from you!
Thank you for letting me know that my book is helping you in so many ways!
It makes sense to me that you would like to read the book slowly, since you would really like to be with each and every insight.
I know the book will make an enormous difference for you, and will give you a whole new perspective and no longer do you have to be limited by past experiences.
Join me in our A New language for Life Community Facebook group and ask me any question!
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I send you my love,
Dear Louis…. This lesson is really powerful, I like you, in the past used to give “advise” to my friends many times, thinking I was being helpful. What I’ve learn now is that I would not give my opinion or advise unless they ask for it…. There is so much Learning for both sides just listening and holding space.
Thanks so much for all your emails I am leaning so much! God bless you and your family.
How lovely to hear from you!
Thank you for letting me know that this lesson made a difference for you!
The message of this lesson is that it is literally who you are that makes a difference. It is not so much what you say that has any real impact on another person’s quality of life. This is very difficult for the linear mind to grasp. But if you can withstand the siren-song of the “I” that tempts you to interfere, to give an opinion, or be self-righteous about what you believe is true or makes a difference, something remarkable opens up … You will notice that in the silence of the conversation, something starts to manifest as a presence that allows the person to sort him- or herself out in relationship to the issue.
Thank you for your insightful comment that had me become present again to this incredible powerful message.
I love you,
He sentido esa presencia que se manifiesta en el silencio y la sensación de desvanecimiento de esa otra, que desea opinar y a medida que la conversación avanza, la presencia del el silencio cada vez se hace mas y mas tangible y mi interlocutor se suaviza, se descomprime, y he podido comprobar como en ocasiones se resuelve a si mismo a través de esa presencia….
Gracias Louis yo también te amoì
Thank you Louis,
I have felt this presence that is evident in the silence and the sensation of evanescence of this other one, that he wants to think and as the conversation advances, the presence of the silence every time is done more and more tangible and my speaker is smoothed, is decompressed, and I could have verified how sometimes it is solved if the same across this presence. . . .
Thank you Louis I also love you ì
Forgive my translator, I am learning your language. . . .
Your article was just what I needed to understand in this moment. Wrong or right only time will tell … but it shows us the higher self within.
Delightful to hear that my article was just what you needed to understand in that moment.
Thankyou – I’m very aware of how I get stopped when someone gives me unwanted advice, though find myself doing the same at times. Sometimes manage to pull myself up and now think after your raising my awareness of the effect on sharing, hopefully won’t do this now.
BTW agree about font and feint colour. I’m older and needed to use a magnifying glass as can’t enlarge it. Still had a problem and gave up reading the comments.
Regards Judi ??
Your latest lesson – Lesson Nine: In The Silence Of The Conversation, What Matters Manifests As A Presence – it is so insightful! Oh I wish to lose the “I” in conversations, especially as I love to help people. To be able to help allow me to take on board your message for this lesson. Amazing insight! Thanks Louis