Have you ever found yourself stuck in an argument, and you wonder how you got there? You wonder how you can get yourself unstuck while it is happening?
Perhaps the most important and most difficult thing to realize in relationships is that a person’s behavior or actions in essence are not who they really 
are. The moment someone comes across to you as offensive, forceful, or demanding, it calls up a similar response. It is the opportunity for the “I” to thrive and make a point. This is how disputes escalate. This is how we have arguments. This is how we allow ourselves to drift into conflicts and wars.
The language of “I” blinds us to who the other person really is.
You could say that our response to an argument—in particular when the person is close to us—is occurring inside of the default language for life. Whatever you say about the other person you don’t like, realize that this is not who they really are. The language of “I” blinds us to who the other person really is. It distracts us from experiencing the truth in its essence.
The language of “I” evokes in us that what you say or do is who you really are. It evokes in us that we are our actions. This is where all the trouble starts. This is where we get stuck. This is what fuels an argument.
When the “I” asserts itself, what gets lost is the possibility of being. You stop relating to a person as the possibility of being, and it affects your own freedom to be. In addition, what gets lost is the experience of “being related.”
Have you noticed how your own energy is affected once a person becomes a certain way for you or when you get set in your opinions about someone?
Isn’t that fascinating? The possibility of your being is affected when you are stuck on experiencing a person a certain way.
You now realize that the way a person is in our experience of them—which is given by the default language for life—is not who they really are.
By freeing yourself from the grip of the default language for life, both you and your experience of that person are suddenly freed up. You are present again to the possibility of that person’s being, rather than all the things that you are saying to yourself about that person. You are now freed up in relationship to that person, and you are present again to the possibility of the relationship. You are present to love again.
ABOUT LOUIS KOSTER
Hi, Louis here, author of the inspiring book “A New Language for Life, Happy No Matter What!” Click here to get a free download of the book. Thanks for checking out my blog posts. If you really want to test your spiritual beliefs, try being a medical doctor in war zones. I’ve been involved as a spiritual teacher, medical doctor and coach in the self-help industry for over 25 years and have developed a number of skills in helping people to awaken to their true nature and live inspired lives. Here Is Who I Am & What I Believe.
Please feel to free to leave a comment below.
I like what you’re suggesting however, what happens though when the person you are relating with has a mental illness, such as NPD? How are you to relate to someone who suffers from depression & whose energy permeates the space with a darkness that only shifts (temporarily) when situations escalate to abuse? Or one feels unsafe with a person around? The “I” identity here is important for personal sanity & needs to be preserved. The default language reverts because of cyclical patterns of abuse of some form. What you are proporting works well with mentally healthy individuals who can congnitively reflect on their language and their subsequent behaviour otherwise negative unhealthy cycles can develop in the relationship.
Dear Tatiana, I hear totally what you are saying and I appreciate the difficulty of your situation. However, in truth, the reactions you are getting from the person you are relating with – how abusive or unharmonious they may be – are not the expression of his or her true nature. It takes a lot from a carer, spouse or parent to keep this in mind, but it would give you perspective and prevent that you react in equal measure and let the situation excalate. Your spiritual journey is to stay centered in who you are and not be moved and distracted by a person’s reaction. As long as you react and want the person you are relating with to be different than they are, there is no chance for harmony to return to the relationship and for this person to recognize their own true nature. I wish you peace on your journey. Love from Louis.
Dios lo bendiga a usted y al doctor Wayne. Les agradezco por el envío de la copia de libro. Por favor envía en español no logre leer lo que enviaron.
Querida Mercedes,
El libro se encuentra actualmente en proceso de ser traducido y estará disponible en español en formato ePub o Kindle para su descarga en agosto de 2016 para el precio de los EE.UU. $6,95
Yo le enviará un enlace en agosto para comprar el libro.
Con carinos,
Louis
Sometimes the circumstances in life made you act someway different from what you are, and made decisions you will regret later. It is important to take a side and breathe, think and understand the situation so you will also understand people around you.
Dear Ana,
Thank you for your insight and for sharing yourself.
I send you my love,
Louis
me parece muy intersante lo que comparte, desafortunadamente no se ingles y me gustaria que cuando este el lbro me notificara para leerlo. Gracias, bendiciones
Thank you for reminding me that I must take a step back. I react too quickly to negative words and so become defensive, and then this escalates into a full blown argument. I have been trying to accept that this is not who I am, I am better than that, and taking a step back and realising that it is their opinion, not mine. Your words have just confirmed and reminded me of this. Many thanks and God bless.
Hi Louis, thank you for your insightful post, this is definitely something that I struggle with. You have given me a new perspective to reflect on. Bless.
Sin duda no estamos aca para confrontar y pelear , pero el ego se encarga de hacernos creer eso, creo que ha llegado la hora de ponerle un limite al ego y empezar a evolucionar , que en definitiva a eso venimos.
Cierto!. Para lograrlo hay que entrenarse con disciplina, como un buen deportista. Gracias!!!
Gracias por su libro y sus lecciones, soy de Venezuela y en este momento estamos pasando por momentos difíciles lo que nos hace cada vez mas rea que nos mantienen muy alertas en nuestro lenguaje standard lo que nos hace ser cada vez mas reactivos, en este momento siento como los cambios en mi vida me están abrumando y me he deprimido con mucha facilidad es mas hoy me vi diciendo estoy decidida a ser muy feliz, plena y satisfecha, sin importar cuales sean las circunstancias de la vida, pero estaba llorando cuando lo decía y tengo mucho mucho temor a lo que pueda pasar en mi país, me imagino que me va a decir que no debo pensar en eso sino en mi ser interno y tiene razón pero necesito un consejo para que no se me olvide que ser es estar en el presente, pase lo que pase, que Dios lo bendiga y gracias nuevamente.
thank you
will love to receive more suggestions
Very inspiring & motivating. Am reading your free ebook you sent and am removing the ‘I’ in my thoughts. Not easy though but with my choice, i get to remind myself.
Its a long journey for me as am facing financial challenges.
Keep up the good work Doctor Sir and with the grace of the Lord, I’ll see that elusive light.
God bless
Ridzuan Pereira
I am curious as to why the ‘I’ has to land up feeling guilty because the ‘You’ is behaving in an unacceptable way!
Aren’t boundaries allowed anymore?
Can’t help but feel, trust yourself more and if you feel that the situation is escalating into something unpleasant………. RUN as fast and as far from that person as you can!!!!
Totally understand your points.Must admit that I have beentrying those you have suggested before but seems doesn’t get any better until U have to choose to end the relationships.
What if “I “have stepped back and tried all those,while the “you” are still so aggressive , express unpleasants words and blaming all to “I”
Just wonder if being quited and compromised from our end are the real answer?
Dear Sir, first let me say thanks to you for your kindness to give me this lesson. It’s really inspiring and motivating. It’ll lead me to perfect direction of life. What you told me I’ll remind it till my last breath. I would like to get more lessons.
Thank you once again for your love.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.One can actually feel a depletion of energy when we prepare to face someone whos ideas may differ from ours.will look forward to your lessons and tips.
Thank you, Renu for your comment!!!
With love,
Louis.
Thank you so much.That is wonderfully written.
Dear Ines,
Thank you for your lovely comment! I am so glad to hear that the blog inspires you!
With love,
Louis.
I am new to your work Louis. Superb article!! Thank you!
Lovely to hear that, Ella! With love, Louis