It is easy when someone is upset to get caught up in the storm and at some point say things that you later regret. How do you stay centered? Where do you locate yourself?
Sometimes I can be judgmental in my expressions, which evokes a similar response in the other person. When my relationship with my wife, Francesca, did not go very well, rather than dwelling on the way she was, I took the step to relate to the essence of her being. I focused on the dignity of the human spirit, the dignity of her spirit, which is the ultimate reality in any human being. I kept this focus without needing or asking for any of her agreement.
Rather than dwelling on the way she was, and by making real the essence of her being—the dignity of the human spirit—there was no doubt.
There was a knowing of who she really was. Francesca told me later that this was the single most important turning point in our relationship. She had the experience that I let her be, and she experienced not being judged. In fact, the change in me was that I stopped identifying her actions, even what she said, as who she really was. This gave me a freedom to be with her and gave her the experience of me allowing her to be. We were both free to be, and the possibility of our relationship was kept alive.
Relating to the essence of a person, rather than dwelling on the way they are, is the biggest gift you can give yourself and someone in a relationship. It gives the person the experience of being allowed to be. It leaves them free to be. It is a silent gift, a gift that bears no witness. The person may not even know that this is what is happening in that particular moment.
It is a gift that parents give to their children, spouses and friends give to each other, and siblings give to each other when they finally let go of their rivalries.
It is a gift that people of communities and nations could make available to each other and their neighbors.
It is a gift that would make people present to their common humanity, rather than dwelling on their religion, race, nationality, or how much money they have. It is a gift that changes everything.
It is a gift of true leadership, where we inspire ourselves and others to greatness.
Robert Kennedy once said, “There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why … I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?”
Relating to the essence of a person, no matter how they come across to you, is a gift that honors the dignity of the human spirit and is the highest expression of love.
ABOUT LOUIS KOSTER
Hi, Louis here, author of the inspiring book “A New Language for Life, Happy No Matter What!” Click here to get a free download of the book. Thanks for checking out my blog posts. If you really want to test your spiritual beliefs, try being a medical doctor in war zones. I’ve been involved as a spiritual teacher, medical doctor and coach in the self-help industry for over 25 years and have developed a number of skills in helping people to awaken to their true nature and live inspired lives. Here Is Who I Am & What I Believe.
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